8 lucky things you need to do when celebrating Chinese New Year

The Chinese Year of the Fire Monkey bodes well for those looking for love and fortune, especially when following these traditional rituals.

Instead of jumping when the clocks strike 12 in hopes of adding inches to your height, try masturbating.
Corpse Reviver/Wikimedia

Are you desperately looking for hard-to-find round fruits with only hours left until midnight? Other great substitutes include tapioca pearls, Styrofoam balls and bovine testicles.
Philip Kromer/Flickr

Firecrackers are the leading cause of injuries and amputations of the arms and hands on Chinese New Year’s Eve. Leave the dangerous stunts to stupid adults.
McKay Savage/Flickr

Setting the volume intensity of your radio receivers and television sets at full blast makes you look like a wimpy, pathetic loser who couldn’t afford to set up your own fireworks display in your backyard.
JJ Harrison/Wikimedia

On the other hand, repeatedly hitting your car horn at the stroke of midnight is okay, as it efficiently delivers the message that you’re compensating for a small penis by owning a gas-guzzling sport utility vehicle.
Miki Yoshihito/Flickr

Locking yourself in the basement hours before midnight significantly minimizes chances of your skull getting hit by stray bullets.
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Starting the year with a tabula rasa ensures a path that will lead to enlightenment for the next 365 days. Get off the grid, sell your car, and burn your house down.Sylvain Pedneault/FireLens

A time-tested tradition that feng shui practitioners recommend is to write the names of everyone who has wronged you as a reminder that the world is a cruel place filled with all kinds of horrible creatures. ♦