The Chinese Year of the Fire Monkey bodes well for those looking for love and fortune, especially when following these traditional rituals.
Are you desperately looking for hard-to-find round fruits with only hours left until midnight? Other great substitutes include tapioca pearls, Styrofoam balls and bovine testicles.
Setting the volume intensity of your radio receivers and television sets at full blast makes you look like a wimpy, pathetic loser who couldn’t afford to set up your own fireworks display in your backyard.
On the other hand, repeatedly hitting your car horn at the stroke of midnight is okay, as it efficiently delivers the message that you’re compensating for a small penis by owning a gas-guzzling sport utility vehicle.
A time-tested tradition that feng shui practitioners recommend is to write the names of everyone who has wronged you as a reminder that the world is a cruel place filled with all kinds of horrible creatures. ♦